People liken talking about sex to talking about death — it's not a popular subject for many.
It feels dangerous to talk about sex. What if I am judged? What if I seem weird? What if my partner tells someone else about this? What if my partner breaks up with me? We want to explore and experience pleasure, but often we're too afraid to ask for what we want. It's tricky because even when we sum up the courage to use our words, our partner may not like what they hear, be defensive, angry, hurt or just not listen.
Each of us has our own erotic blueprint, thus some exploration and discovery is necessary — both on our own and with our partner. If you find that you or your partner are not interested in what works for the other person, it may be time to sit down and look at what is blocking interest. It could be past trauma or unpleasant experiences, shame around sex very commonproblems in the relationship — many things.
Not 15 minutes ending with a sigh of frustration, but regular, curious exploration of your body — some parts can take time to wake up. There is so little understanding of how people with vulva's bodies work in terms of arousal and sexual function, that we all stand to gain from learning more than reproduction and disease.
It's about being able to ask for things and also say no to things. It's about setting up a safe container.
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It's about being interested in the pleasure your partner may like to experience. It's about making communication about sex easier and reducing stress and worry.
It certainly isn't deed to stop people having fun a common misconception ; rather it's something that will enhance pleasure for all parties. There is no pouting or arguing. The person simply makes another request. If your partner starts touching you and you don't like it, you can ask for the touch to be modified, or simply stopped. I also get them to think about touch in terms of who is this for.
Asking for what you want in the bedroom — advice from a sexologist
If you offer to give a massage, is it for them or is it for you? Are you offering the massage because you want your partner to experience pleasure and you will touch them in a way that they enjoy serving — or are you offering for your own reasons takingi. Answering this question can make it clear for everyone around who is doing, who is receiving and who is the touch actually for.
When we are clear on these things inside consent then there is much pleasure to be had. An example of how this works would be if you were to ask me if you could touch me or do something to me for your own enjoyment.
Now, I may not be as excited about spanking as you are, but it's not abhorrent to me either. When we're able to talk and negotiate the activities that we would like to put in our container, we then have the knowledge that these things are safe, and that our partner will say no or stop.
That leaves us free to enjoy what it is we are actually doing without having to worry or overthink things. Tanya Koens is a clinical and somatic sexologist and relationship counsellor working at Surry Hills Therapy. ABC Everyday helps you navigate life's challenges and choices so you can stay on top of the things that matter to you.
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ABC Everyday. Print content Print with images and other media. Print text only. Print Cancel. But if we could have conversations about sex with ease, we would all be having a lot better sex. How do we start talking about sex? These are the very deterrents that keep important conversations off the table. My advice? Keep trying. Sex shouldn't be a chore and it definitely shouldn't be something that is endured.
Our own erotic blueprint. Australia, Relationships, Sexual Activity. Back to top. address.